Deep insanity

tonight... new depths of insanity reached in the saga of the family payne.

the day started as usual, waking to the too early weekend dog feeding (7:30am) followed by a fight to reach a respectable 8:30 sleep in. by the time I reached breakfast, most of it had been consumed, but as usual, a plate waited. Sunday morning news programs were called for, to avoid inevitable conversation and confrontation over priveleges desired yet not granted. Sr. falls 'asleep' at the breakfast table, suffering his wounds of three days previous when I punched him in the ribs for threatening mom with a knife.

we managed to muddle through the day aided by a focus on writing 'business plans' and talking about how to execute without going to nyc immediately. Fortunately football aided in some distraction so that mom could achieve some solace behind locked doors. Relentless restlessness satisfied by a swim at public pool and finally a tennis court at club kept some attention focused away from schemes.

my solace was an hour away from them to visit carson, derek, ali and suzanne for some floor hockey and a house tour. Poor carson, suffering a colon blockage, had to leave me to the slapshot duties on goalie derek. I want one (of them..)

dinner at rustique after hearing of carter's new baby. hoooorray! they are grandparents again. Unfortunately, my dark mood did not contribute to the end of the evening. I think I am guilty of drinking too much in this situation and cannot be the best of distractions from the negativity that exists in the house.

dinners end and a drive home in deep snow that can only be described as hell on wheels. car and roads were fine though snow deep. people were on fire. pops continually haranguing about his affair woman and his 'permission' to fuck other women because of mom's 'problem'. doors opened at 45mph, car thrown into reverse (by him) at the same, sweaters, jackets, shirts torn off (by him), and discarded on maroon ck rd, wallet too. top of the lungs yelling, hitting between them and words you cannot imagine. I never laid a hand, only steered car and rationalized, and silently cried, sobbed for these two wonderful people losing their lives, their marriage, their understanding of normalcy after 43 years.

should daughters and sons have to witness this? after all this time of seemingly standard fare, how can you be prepared to deal with this? how can you ever deal with this? as a child you are a victim, as an adult you are a mediator. its hard to say which most breaks the heart.